To Be Loved Is Hard For Me.

The name of this one man machine is called Synthetic Season. The name of the man, Ash Price. The style of his music, techno.

He hails from the United Kingdom and that's where most of his shows are. Ash's music makes you want to dance even if you're not in the mood. His music will my you want to smile and have a good time. His lyrics are clean and clear to understand in his music. If you say he's a copy of someone, you are deadly wrong. He's one of a kind and there's nothing bad you can say about him.

He already has some music out on iTunes called A Little EP. I'm not even joking on the album name. He released it in the summer time and the songs are amazing. He's a little diamond in the rough that is slowly starting to shine. He's shows armazing from what I can only tell. Ash loves his music and loves to put on shows. The only down side, you can only see him in the Europe. He's always touring always touring and promoting his songs.

But you can still listen to his music on his MySpace. He's very popular here in America. Hopefully we a lot more fans here, he'll have a tour for us. He also makes his own merch too. Oh and one more thing. Ladies, if you think he's cute and you want him, not going to happen. He's taken.

http://www.myspace.com/thesyntheticseason

A lot of weird shit has been happening to me. I don't know why it's happening to me though. For example, I took some quizes on Facebook [because I'm a quiz junkie] and all the results scared the shit out of me. All three results have to deal with Matt. And the last one even gave a name and it was Matt. That isn't even funny. I wanted to screamed, but I didn't seeing how it was like seven in the morning. All I did was stare at the computer screen with my mouth wide open, in shock.

And now onto school. Health is getting interestinger [if that's even a word] everyday. Well, mainly when Mrs.Jonstove comes in. She's coming back on Tuesday to talk about date rape. I know like five people that want to skip that class. Me being one of them. I don't like to talk about rape. It's like one of the most worst things that could happen to a person. Did you know guys could get raped too? I bet you just learned something today. Chermisty, I dislike my teacher so much. I don't want to go in full detail because if I do, I would being swearing left and right.

I still feel weird right know. I just can't get that one thing off my mind. And I don't even know what that one thing is. On;y one of my friends knows what's really going on inside of my head. I think she knows better than me. Which is weird. I think I should have a better clue of what's going on with me. And I don't know why, but I had [and still have] the urge to do something that might have a negative effect on me. I've been debating on it and coming close to doing it. Oh and it's nothing that harmful. Trust me, I would know.

I've also noticed that I've been quiet for a long. Not like mute quiet, but not talking a lot. I don't know the reason. Well, I'm being booted off the computer, so talk to you later Buzznet.

Simply A Girl Way In Over Her Head,
Me

Why do I keep doubting myself of the good things that can happened to me? I kept spacing out today and thinking of my life until now. When I want something, I always think about the negaive. For no reason, I almost broke down crying at the game. I'm not emotional unstable. It's just that I have so much shit happening in my life.

My friend, Colleen, old me not to worry and to be happy. I try to, but it doesn't work forr me. For some reason, my mind can only set on all the negatives. I want to change my way of thinking, but it's kinda hard. I'm just trying to take my life one day at a time.

Good news, my high school won the game tonight. That's 2-0, so far so good. We had to go into overtime tonight. Everyone got pissed off about it. I wouldn't blame them. Standing up for about four hours isn't fun. My legs are so sore from standing. I'm so happy it's labor day weekend, even though I'm doing nothing.

*sigh* I'm so bored. I'm freaking out about something, but I don't know what. School's been goinng okay. I hate chemistry. I wish I took earth science instead. It's not like I will need chemistry for what I want to do. And chorus, well mty friend almost flipped her shit. There are these four girls that talk all the time. Even when the teacher's talking. I'm sorry, but there are more people than you in this class. Talk on your free time, thank you!

Well, there's nothing else on my mind. I think I might put out a journal every weekend now. It will work better for me. Oh, and I'll have to more daily music doses coming out. One in November and the other in Demember. It will make me happy if you read them when they come out. And thank you so much for reading my S!O DMD. It made me happy that you liked it. It also made S!O happy that they got on Buzznet. Their post on MySpace was funny when they talked about it.

Simply A Girl Way In Over Her Head,
Me

Wow, it's been awhile. I haven't wrote anything about myself in awhile.

Nothing new is happening to me. Just your normal high school things. Minus going to parties for me. I never get invited to them. You know what, I should just crash someone's party. I know about half of the population that is popular in my school. Most of them are very nice because I've known them for about three years, the least. Ah well, I've gone so long without one. I think I'll be fine.

Now, other news...There really isn't other news. I made some new friends this year. Sadly half of them do not live in my state or country. How lame am I?

Simply A Girl Way In Over Her Head,
Me

Better Known As S!O

Left To Right: Austin Kerr, Dan Clermont, Cody Carson, Zach Something, Benji Panic

Do you like bands like All Time Low? Forever the Sickest Kids?The Maine? Well, you're going to love this band.

Set It Off is band with music you can dance to. I, myself, have fallen in love with their music. The band consist of five people: Cody Carson(lead vocals/guitar), Zach Something(guitar), Dan Clermont(keys), Benji Panic(drums), and Austin Kerr(bass). S!O formed just last summer and they already have a big fan base. The keys, guitars and bass make you want to jump around, while the drums ties everything together. Together, they will make you smile with their music.

They are a self promoting band and that's one thing I love. They're a group of friends that love music so much. People in Clearwater, Florida, may know all about them, but people everywhere else may not. They recently did a tour that was on the east side of the United States. They did the inner states too, not just the coast.

They have two EPs out and available on iTunes. Their songs have different sounds so you won't get tried of them. Cody sings meaningful lyrics and you will fall for them. There shows are great too. They have so much energy that is addictive. They are also friendly. I would know because they came up to me before. Like I said earlier, self promoters. Their two EPs are called 'Baby, You Don't Tripajaharda' and 'Calm Before the Storm'.

And where did they get there name from? From a Fall Out Boy song. And I asked them is being in a band and touring as fun as it looks and they said yes. They said besides the work, it's the time of their lifes. It's also amazing that they know the All Time Low boys. If you have ever seen an extra boy with brown and blond hair, that was Cody Carson.

If you want to listen to them, then go to their MySpace before you decide on buying their songs. But I promise, they're awesome. So pick up both of their EPs at the iTunes store. No doubt they're one of my favorite bands. I can't get enough of Set It Off. I hope you will feel the same way.

And if you already heard of them, help their quest to be on Bamboozle. They will love you forever if you help.

http://www.myspace.com/setitoff

Wierd thing is I feel lifeless right now. I feel like I don't belong right now. I feel like I shouldn't have the friends I do right now. The reason why, I'm the complete opposite of most of my friends. Some people said they don't understand why I hang out with my friends. I don't even know myself.

I already know I'm a saint out of all my friends. I never done anything bad. You can ask anyone of my close friends. Never touched anything that's bad to the boddy other than fatty foods. Heh. I just want to get away from everything. My week has been hell. And I feel like I'm going to do something bad soon. I just have no one to really talk to about my problems. And I just don't really like talking about my problems. I just don't want to bore my friends to death with all my problems I have. But I know thet'll come out one day.

School's been hell. I hate my lit. teacher. I'm already failing her class and it's only been two weeks. I want to have a different teacher. Now! But that's not going to happen. I'm so bored, and I can't think of anything elsee to type. So, goodnight Buzznet.

Simply A Girl Way In Over Her Head,
Me

I've just noticed I have low self-esteem. I don't know why I have it, but I do. It's weird how I feel low all the time. I feel weird talking about it. But I really do have low self-esteem. I figured this out because I'm in Health class and even though we haven't really started, I can tell I have low sel-esteem. I really don't feel comfortable taking to people really. I just want to curl up in a hole sometimes because I feel arkward.

I don't even know how to bring my self-esteem up. I mean, I basically have none to begin with. I guess it's from all the bullying my brother and so called friend do to me. I guess they don't see that it reall hurts me by the things hey sa. Sure they think it's funny, but it's not. Like my brother keeps questioning my sexual because I never had a relationship. It's not my fault that every guy I like runs away or just wants to stay friends.*sigh* Heh, I just need to do something before I really g crazy. Trust me, I can get crazier than I am now.

Because right now, everybody I know just thinks I'm happy all the time. But I'm not. I don't hrt myself at all, if you were wondering. I haven't gone that far yet. But I might if I don't deal with my self-esteem. I told my brother to stop messing with me, but he doesn't care. He just says 'It's my job to mack your life misrible'. *sigh* Since when did that become a job? Tell me when and I'll leave that alone. Oh, he's older than me by four years if you were wondering. Yeah, I have a jackass for a brother.

So, do you have any tips for me? Any to help boost self-esteem? Because I need some advice. Like my friends and I always said, I give good advice but can't take my own.

Simply A Girl Way In Over Her Head,
Me

I've come to the conclusion that chemistry is very boring. I hate the class. There is no homework, but there're quizes everyday. I hate it already and it's only the secind week. I wished I took something other than chemistry, but my last year seince teacher put me in it. Thank you Mr. Mury.

Chorus, I love to sing. And did you remember how I told you how some of the girls dress? Well, it's kinda hard to miss it when the girl dress like that everyday. My friends and I have come to agree that she will be an easy fuck. Guys probably just stay until thety get what they want and leave. But then again, it's only a opinion. Who knows what's going to happen.

I'm so bored right now. I needz a job so I can spend some money. Hmm, what else is there? Nothing really huh. I have nothing really going on in my life. Oh wait, I might be doing a pagent that my school is hosting. If I do, the pictures will be on MySpce, not here. I don't like uploading m pictures on here. It deleted my oter one. Oh well.

I guess I'll talk to you later. And yes I know, this one was hella boring. That's how my life is.

Simply A Girl Way In Over Her Head,
Me

Nothing new happened. School's great and boring. I got some classes with my friends. I also found out that two of my friends stayed at the smaew school as me. Yay!

Lunch was awkward yesterday because we talked about sex and fuck buddies. I found it funny though. I was laughing through the whole periopd. Today was fun too. My friend Jon started to get loud and scared the freshmen at the next table. Other than that, there was nothing. Oh wait, chorus. Okay, being in a class with a bunch of girls that look like sluts is not fun.

One: They dress in the tightest thing ever.

Two: They wear the shortest thing ever.

Three: They wear to much makeup.

Four: They are ALL OVER the guys that come in. Quite sad, I know.

And Five: They all think they are better than you.

Newsflash honey, you're not better than me. You just look like a easy fuck to a guy. That's all they will ever be with the attitudes they have. Trust me. But atleast I have three of my friends in there.

Is there anything new in my life? Well...

Not really. I start school Monday. I get to see all of my friends again. Yay! But I have to learn stuff. Boo! <--- That's the one bad thing about school. I understand language arts/liturature(i know i slept it wrong :P) and math, but what am I going to need the other skills for. It's not like I'm going to do anything that involves social studie and science. I mean, really. Government law rules everyone though. It's a shame.

Well, that's really it Buzznet. If anything really big happens in the Matt department, I'll tell you. I feel like a news reporter of my own lame, pathetic thing I call life. I really need to get out more. Hopefully I can this weekend. Hopefully, my dad can take me to Swayze's. I've always wanted to go, but had no ride. I hate it when rides bales on me. Damn not having a car. :( I really need a car and job.

I felt so sad today. Because my iPod died on me at the mall. I was all like 'NOZ! My iPod can't died on me! (insert sad face of your liking)'. But lucky, my brother had a charger with him that can plug into the wall. Thank god for him having an iPhone. Love you bro. And I listen to my music on the way home. Even if I'm the only one who likes it throught the whole house. My taste in music I mean.

Simply A Girl Way In Over Her Head,

me

p.s. i just made that goodbye on the spot. NO TAKESZS! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND MADE YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T TAKESZS MY STUFF! love ya! ^_^

So, remember Matt? Good.

My life is so unfair right now. I mean, I'm not making these things happen. They just are. It started a week ago. I was watching tv and Matt's name was on tv. It was on parentail control. The next they, it was in a story I was ready on quizilla. The next day, on some other show. His name is popping up everywhere I go. Like today, I was helping my mom with a crossword puzzle, and his name was one of the clues. Why is his name popping up everywhere? Is someone trying to mock me? Because it isn't funny at all.

That's all that's was on my mind. What a sec, nope. I start school next week. I'm going to try and post a journal every other day for you guys that read it. So yea, I'mma junoir. Thrid year in high school. Yay! Almost done with school! And the first semester is going to suck because I have lunch sixth peroid. Who eats lunch at like one? Noone I know.

Love,
Me

I don't see why my mom treats my so different from other kids. It's not fair. She said I can't go to Warped because how the people act in the crowds. But then she said I could go to other concerts. Oh, did I metion that I can't go alone? As in I have to have either her or my dad to go with me? So not fucking fair. I don't feel like going to any concerts then. I much rather just stay at home and listen to music instead of getting embarrassed by them.

And it's all because I have a trach. I wish I never had cancer. I wish they could take the tumor out of my neck. But the doctors can't. The sad I might became a vegatable if the do. But I don't care. I want the tumor gone! I just want to be normal but I can't. All because of this stupid cancer and trach. I hate my life right now.

I didn't do anything wrong. Atleast I don't remember. The reason behind this journal is that I can't go to Warped tour tomorrow. I'm very sad because I had everything ready and then my ride might not even take me.

It's not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I need to take deep breaths. You remember how I said Matt read the message, well I'm not sure on that anymore. Because Taylor told me he read it. This is bad on me. I think matt read it too.

How do I know this you ask. Taylor texted me a couple days ago about it. It's one thing to have the person you like to know, but it's wosre if that person doesn't know and his best friend does. Fuck, why did I do it? It could be a whole big secret still inside of me. But no, my mind was like bitchy at me. *sigh* I hope he doesn't use it against me if Matt doesn't know. Please? I did nothing wrong, did I? I don't know.

Other than that, nothing new in my life. I'm still trying to get a job. I needs some money. I don't know what else to talk about. So I guess I'll talk to you later buzznet.

Love,
Me

Ready? I'm not going to be talking about Matt in this one. I'm going to be talking about me. Yay! First time in a while.

I'm so bored right now. I have to read Into the Wild and it's so boring. Why do we have to do summer reading? What is the purpose? Isn't summer meant for fun and not anything that involves school? Beats me. I wonder if there's a state where there is no summer reading. That would be great. School starts in a few weeks now. I'm glad to go back just to see my friends. But it won't be all of them because some of my friends are going to a different school now. Bum me out more why don't you...

I'm feeling fine right now. Just don't want to work on my summer reading. I want to hang out with my friends and joke around, but only a few of them can drive and I don't knw where they live. :( But that's okay. I can just text them. But not all of them, some are at band camp. Never going to band camp again. I hated it. Mr. Walkens was called Darth Vader and people said once you jion marching band, youu lose your soul. I still have my soul and more free time to myself. Another yay for me. Oh by the way, you should really listen to Happy Demise. They're good. But they live is Pisa.

Umm...I have to start going to bed early too. To get back into the right sleeping pattern. I hate school. I never like it. I also...I forgot what I was going to type. Oh well. I'll remember later. Well, this is all I can think of for right now.

Love,
Me

I'm calling myself crazy because of what I'm thinking of doing. I mean, I'm not going to do it right now, but in a week or two, I'm thinking abuot asking Matt out. The worst he can say is no. And as far as I know, he's still single. Please let him steal be single. I'm just stressing over how I'm going to talk to him face to face. And how to ask him.

Hopefully, he comes to the mall on Saturday and I can see him. And hopefuly I can keep to my word. I made a promise to myself that I can talk to him. I was thinking about talking to him, but he got offline. *sigh* So fucking bored right now. I'm acting all scared for nothing over this. But the thing is, he's planning to be going to SCAD this school year. The on in Atlanta. I think he's still going to live at home. I hope. And like I said early, pretty girlfriends in the past. Me, not so much pretty.

Umm...I just got down drawing a random face. It's not that good. I'll be posting it on MySpace. So you can just click the link I have on my page. It'll be up later today. I'm to lazy to do it right now. I'm supposed to be sleeping right now. Oops...not really. I love the night sky.

Well, that is it. That's all I wanted to do. Thinking about asking him out is going to be on my mind for the next week or so.

And Matt, if you're reading this, I guess you can just tell me know. Just so I can know. So yea...Bye Buzznet.

Love and questioning myself,

Me

Things with me are getting better. I just recently found an old song called Love At First Sight by Nickasaur!. It's awesome. I love it already. I really don't know what to talk about right. I'm just listening to the song again.

I've been having weird dreams lately. Too weird you wouldn't want to know about. I know I normally tell you about it, but if I do I feel like I will breakdiwn and cry. Even if it never happened, it has to be a sign for the furture, right?

Matt and I talked last night about absolutely nothing. Well, we talked about how bored we were and school. Found out his going to college for a major in Film and a minor in Audio Production.  I joked around about him being a Film star. Telling him not to forget about me and he said "Famous, probably no...". I laughed. I don't even know why. I'm just weird right now.

The creative part of my mind has been on a holt for some reason. I really need to get the flow working again. My stories aren't going to write/type themselves. I also want to draw something, but can't think of anything. I just need to breathe and wait for something to happen. Just wait...

Oh and next time I see Matt in person, I'm going to try to say something else than the word hi. Hopefully I can keep to my word. Hopefully. But I really can't whe he flashes one of his smiles at me. They make me go blank in my mind. And his eyes, like I said earlier, was the first thing I noticed on the guy. Along with his hair the kinda covered one. I normally don't go for brown eyes, but his are different. Why? Again, I don't know. Oh and I forgot to metioned he got the left side of his bottom lip pierced. I saw that a few weeks ago and forgot to tell you. Oops? Well, now you know. ^_^

*sigh*He makes me laugh when we talk to each other over MySpace. I wonder if I make him laugh with my words? I can even pick him out of a group of guys like I did on Sunday. I was looking at my iPod, until I  looked up and saw him. He turned his head and saw me and smiled. I just melted and if I was a lighter completion, you would of seen me blush. No lie. Ha, this one is longer and that's only because I'm spacing things out.

OMG! Nickasaur just put up another song...Change(Only Heaven Knows). Love it.^_^

Now back to what we were talking about. What was it again? Oh yea, Matt. Everytime I think of him, I have to remember to breathe as a smile comes on my face. Now I really can't think of anything else thanks to me and my mind. If he's keeping up with these journals, than wow...thanks for reading them if you are. And wow again because now I really wanna curl up in a ball for fear. But then again it's my fault for giving him the link to my buzznet profile. Silly me doing things I kinda regret. I hope a can see him next week. Or even later today because today is Sundat, not Saturday anymore.

Love and feeling okay,
Me

I'm currently listening to Nothing Personal. It kinda good. I like most songs.

So the real reason, you know the topic already. Matt. I made a fool of myself when I was standing next to him. He waved at me three times and said hi two. It made my heart soar to see him smile at me. The second thing I fell for. His eye being the first. He was with his borther and friends. It seemed like everytime we saw each other, our eyes locked. Maybe that's just my mind making up things. My mom was with me, making fun of me.

It just made things worse. If I was with my friend, Sara, she would of forced me to talk to him. I know her too well. I helped her and saw was going to help me if she was there. I can't control myself around him. I don't care if he thinks I'm crazy and I'm okay with that. I'm weird enough not to care what he thinks of me when I act crazy. Because I really can't control it.

I did a lot of shaking and grinning to myself today. I was happy, but not enough. I know I could of done better, but I couldn't bring myself to it. Why? I really can't anwser that question. I can't until I figure it out for myself. This was the first time I saw him at the mall on Sunday. It was eraly nice to see him, even if I did something my mind can't control. What's done is in the past as people would say. I can only look in the future.

My status on MySpace is "She wants to feel Weightless", which is so true right now. I really wished I could feel like that right now. But I just can't seem to go and chase my dreams. But I'm happy this year will be my year to shine. To show the whole world who I really am. Not everyone knows what I want. My friends never really know what I'm gonig through. No one does really. I just feel trapped in some place. When school starts, I'm going to try and break free from the chains around my body and wings.

"I've been going crazy, I'm stuck in here."

Love and questioning things,

Me

I love Nickasaur. If you don't know who he is, me no likely you no more. His songs are so uplifting. I talked to Matt last night. I told him the truth. A friend really did send it to him. I call myself a friend of mine because I know I can always count on myself. And tears are coming from nowhere. I gald it's done and over with.

I just lost my train of thought. Oh, he said it was sweet and cute. That made me smile. And my friend, Sara, said it would be fine. Everything would be and I'm hoping she's right. All my friends said I really should stop stressing over things, mainly when it comes to guys. They call me weird because I know some things about them and it's not my fault when they put that stuff out there.

Nickasaur's songs make me feel very calm. I soon as I can buy iTunes money, I'm getting his songs. But yea, I'm feeling better today. I might make more flowers out of paper. We just have a ton at my house. They're so fun to make and it can keep my mind off of things. I made alot of entries for Matt. Is it like over ten? I'm not sure. I just write what's on my mind.

Oh, I'm getting a part of my hair dyed soon. It's going to be red. One of my favorite colors. I'm excited. I'll post a picture when I get it. It's going to be fucking awesome. I'll talk to you later Buzznet.

Love and feeling better,

Me

I sent him a note and I regret it. My friend told me to lie about it and I did. Now I feel really low. Matt saw right through my lie, I think. He asked 'you didn't write that?' and I can't respond. I feel really low right now. I think I meant tell him the statement I said was a complete lie and that i really like him. Apart from him smoking. But you can't help for the people you fall for.

I know I'll have to tell him before I go to bed. I know he'll be up till six in the morning. I have enough time to freak out. Skyway Avenue is playing and it doesn't match my mood right now. I can't even feel my heart beat and I just want to jump off a clift. I'm trying to convice myself that he's just a guy and nothing else, but I can't. I'm about to cry, but I won't because my brother is right next to me playing XBox Live. I don't like crying in front of him.

I was thinking about teling another lie, but I don't want to build up more lies to something I want. It's in my grasp, but I just push it away because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Why does God my things hard for me? Why does everyone around me have such easier lifes then me. Most of my friends have guys at their feet and me, still single.

I have to keep taking deep breaths. I've noticed that each paragraph started with 'I'. Haha, trying to make myself laugh.To help me not cry, I have to squeeze my eyes shut. It's not really helping. I just can't stop thinkinng about Matt. On my mind twenty-four/seven. Even if he's not the main thing I'm thinking of. My mind always comes down to a four letter name. And the I think of his middle name and laugh to myself. This might be the longest one yet. I'm hoping this will be the last. Most likely, it won't be. I can never stop talking about the guy a fell four on sights alone. And later on, fell for his mind too.